Meta Forced to Sell Instagram... Buys Substack.
Zuckerberg is Ecstatic, as the New Acquisition Already Has Live and Reels.
This week, the FTC unanimously decided to overturn its previously unanimous decision allowing Meta (then Facebook) to buy Instagram, its biggest competitor. Meta stock prices plummeted on the news. This would be commiserate with any company being forced to sell off its most successful asset.
More controversial and shocking was its immediate decision to purchase Substack, an online literary/newsletter platform with a small but dedicated user base. That same user base has met the decision with a mixed response.
Some optimistic users appreciate the visibility the decision to sell will bring with a larger company at the helm. Other, less enthusiastic writers on the platform decry the impending adpocalypse, as Meta’s presence will create a pressure to provide “advertiser-friendly content” on an otherwise incredibly diverse platform.
Some, like the illustrious
, the more marinated than seasoned former “Last Week Tonight” writer and current writer of “I Might Be Wrong”, have less to say regarding the issue, yet convey something important in their relative ambivalence. When we asked him for a quote on the issue of viral short-form video on Substack, he replied:“Hey Sean, I don’t think I’m the guy to quote, because I don’t really have an opinion. I haven’t thought about it much.”
I think he speaks for most of us in a way we didn’t think we needed. He’s like… the comedian Substack deserves or something?
Many detractors of the deal cite the redundant and negative nature of yet another doomscroll app. For many who used it, Substack was an alternative to the short-form video-driven hellscape that was almost every other social media platform in the world.
The team at Meta spoke to us last week about their interest in an acquisition:
“Meta and Substack have been synergistic for a long time now. Most of the right-wing writers have developed a massive pipeline from massive Facebook groups to Substack. “The Bannon Boat” and “Own the Libruls, Own the Truth” have been responsible for well over 3 million Substack impressions in the last quarter alone.”
Due to the over-politicized nature of the current media market, we found it fitting to reach out to world-class journalists on the platform, like Gabe Fleisher and Chris Cillizza. Our contact at 24sight.news, esteemed writer of “Piety and Power: Mike Pence and the Taking of the White House” and seasoned DC beat reporter
had this to say about the dopamine-draining brain candy media solutions provided in the recent Substack updates:“Yo, potentially, I haven't been doing much with it recently
I've been focused on these Virginia House of Delegates races.”
We at The Mind Salad find his blindness to the changing nature of our Substack media landscape privileged.
It must be nice to be able to focus on your “core value proposal” while most of us get our meager engagement stripped by yet another hungry algorithm. Thanks a lot, Tom.
When we asked more about the nature of the acquisition’s synergy, Meta’s PR team responded:
Usually, we spend the first 6-8 months after a buyout deploying Reels and Live to the platforms we purchase. Substack has fast-tracked this substantially, lowering the time we need to inject warmed-over TikTok videos into the platform down to 2-3 months!
We reached out to several of the best writers on the platform for their comments on the nature of the recently added “Reels” functionality and their experience with Substack Live.
We asked rockstar personal storyteller
, of “Midwest State Of Mind” about her experience with the new “Reels-style” functionality:“Well to be completely honest, I really have no idea what reels is. Obviously it’s video content, I accidentally scrolled too deep and tapped the button with my thumb, this blonde girl with a southern accident in her car pops up I hear two words then found the x button.
Miss On further elucidated her disinclination to advanced social media, referring to herself as a “practical luddite”, so you can disregard her opinion (I sure did), but not her publication. That’s a must-read.
The talented humorist and writer
of “Humor in the Middle” had a brave and cutting-edge take on the new tech:“My favorite part of the Reels functionality is that it’s located on a page that’s easy to ignore. The Live feature scares me, which might mean at some point I need to give it a try. I can see it being used to do stand-up type comedy. Though to be honest, I’d probably do it sitting down.”
Meta has also spoken to us about their plans for Substack:
Meta will be making the Substack experience their highest priority over the next 3-6 weeks. We are currently modifying the user experience to be more familiar, featuring a light mode option with a familiar blue accent and logo redesign. We will also be reintroducing hashtags and promoting the use of our direct message system as a dating platform, Substacked. This, combined with our ability to deliver curated, profitable content guidelines, will inject much-needed capital into the Substack architecture.
We asked them further about their technology plan, partnering with Meta’s LLAMA language model:
Keep your eyes open for a brand new AI content assistant to help more users become writers to compete with the walled garden of elite producers currently dominating Substack.
We here at the Mind Salad welcome our new robot overlords. With the advent of large language models and agentic AI, it is going to be far easier to drive engagement through AI-enhanced algorithmic manipulation and SEO than to inspire, delight, humor, and share meaningful experiences for the meager play we get.
With this decision, we have decided to part ways with our Editor Detritus, Sean. His writing was suboptimal before the acquisition, and will be irrelevant after. We offered him an industry-standard severance (34.62 hours of pay at his salary of $000,000.00 per year, and unlimited time off). From what he told us, he’s very glad he kept his day job as a ceviche delivery driver.
Meanwhile, we have reached out to LLMs and Agents with Suno, Vidu, Anthropic, and others to develop the hottest SEO’ed, AI-curated content you’ve ever seen. The Mind Salad looks forward to unprecedented subscriber growth and monetization potential on the new Substack, may it prosper for a thousand years!
We did not reach out to
or his C-Suite for comment, nor did they provide one, as this article is intentionally humorous fiction, and that would be too silly. The Mind Salad is a big fan of the platform as it stands, and does not advocate for this farcical outcome. We agree with the fabulous of “Chortle” when we say:“My favorite part of Substack Reels is that I’ve never watched one and never will.”