My Taxes...
and some other things I won't be paying for this year...
‘Tis the season, dear reader, and the time is right to shovel your hard-earned wages into the vacuous maw of the system that commits atrocities, misrepresents people, bullies our neighbors for clout, and does the governmental equivalent of leaving the toilet seat up after dropping a painfully large deposit in the tank of the constitutional toilet, then bailing after cranking the thermostat to “Air Fry”.
That’s right, friends, its tax day.
I waited until the very last moment to get these assholes their “budget”. A weekend feeding Morongo’s loosest slot machines has a better ROI than backing the next revolutionary taxpayer-funded study on the effect of waterboarding on people that don’t speak English. Hell, calling the plug for a swing deal on a duffel of Seattle’s Best (the really good stuff) almost seems worth the risk.
All jokes aside, if you didn’t review and modify your W4 documents after 2020, you might owe a lot more than you should. Here’s a video on the nature of the post 2020 W-4 form and the online W4 calculator. This is TRIPLE important if you have a home or children or any other form of tax credit generating gremlin..
Ok. Enough of that. I’m trying to skirt the law here, not help you bed an IRS agent…
In the spirit of the compulsory nature of paying your federal and state taxes, here is a list of some other things I will not be paying for this year.
Medical Insurance
Paying handsomely now for someone else who needs insurance to formally deny them lifesaving care? Id rather fund Operation Northwoods than finance acts of terrorism on American soi… ah… damn.
Dog “Biscuits”.
I got a little now and then from my dog, but this year I took in 2 other dogs that didn’t yet know the rules. You know what that means! Free dookie!
I just wish they used the bike helmet that keeps getting left on my front lawn.
Editor’s Note: Sean failed to mention the full extent of the damage, as he would be required to replace more than a few sets of designer shoes, a handmade throw, a Corinthian leather couch, and a half mile of weather stripping to the voracious jaws of Lilith, the Teething Pug Puppy of Chaos (TPPoC).
Mental Health Care
When your tax bill including property taxes costs more than 28 months of weekly sessions, you might just consider dissociative identity disorder a pre-existing condition, or the premise for a great low-budget horror movie.
Professional “Services”
Sorry, Sapphire. Your most valuable offerings have ballooned in cost to the point where I have considered keistering 6 rubbers full of Bolivian Marching Power into SF International Airport via a direct flight from Culiacán to afford 87 seconds of polite conversation. Along with that, my wife appreciates your “business acumen” about as much as she would appreciate being lobotomized by a Capuchin monkey with a 2x4 and a 4 month dry spell.
Chicken
Gemini, our only writer at the Mind Salad, told me today that “duck breast offers a richer nutrient profile with higher iron and certain vitamins”.
The convenience of this is undeniable, my local neighborhood park restocks the supply of free-range ducks seemingly at least once per week.
Now if I could just find a local golf course with lemongrass fairways…
Gasoline
Siphons are cheap, and they still need gas for their cars in the parts of town that don’t have cameras over their driveways.
Tires
See “Gasoline”
A New Car
See “Tires”
Student Loans
If I fold the bills into paper cranes and burn them in the warm flame of a pumpkin spice scented candle, do they really exist?
They say a college education is an asset. If so, why can’t I write off my diploma? My employers did a long time ago.