Rediscovered Auto Technology DESTROYS Traffic
And it's already in your car...
Driving is one of the most dangerous activities in daily American life. The process of merging lanes is exceptionally risky. Many reports indicate that over 300,000 “incidents” occur during merging on US roadways annually.
This is exactly the calamity befalling Mr. Steven Nelter, a pizza delivery driver in and around the historic town of Angel’s Camp, California. A dangerous drive to you is a Tuesday to him, as his car is equipped with some all but forgotten state-of-the-art technology.
He reaches to the left of his steering wheel to a stick that protrudes from the column and pushes it up. The car clicks and lights blink steadily as the car to his right is mysteriously launched down the road ahead, engine revving full tilt. With his merge lane free, he clicked off the machine and steered into the adjacent lane.
At first, he was confused, as the technology was not listed in the bits and bobs the machine shipped with. A compelling engine, stellar sound system, and a trendy heads-up display headlined that list. Other add-ons he didn’t understand, like adaptive cruise, turn signals, smart lane assist, maintenance reminders, and others also came with it standard.
Flabbergasted, he raced home to tell his wife, who immediately put it to use on the way to work on Tuesday. She found it worked in her ‘98 Celica, noting the profound speed at which the Elk Grove Unified school bus overtook her under the device’s effects. The children didn’t seem to mind it either, she later noted.
A newly rediscovered technology frees drivers from merge related woes, but at what cost?
This is just one discovery of this miraculous and fearsome device. The Sacramento State University Department of Vehicular Psychology (SSUDVP) stumbled across the device during one of their routine traffic studies involving the Pareto distribution of economy sedan and midsize SUV merging patterns. They only named the device the “Velocity Inducer” after sufficient peer reviews and grievous bodily harm cemented the term. The damage, however, did nothing to slow the device's popularity as more drivers realized it was a standard addition to every vehicle on the road.
As the device became more broadly used, so did the damage caused by the “Velocity Inducer”. It caught the attention of politicians, both with affected families and a desire to retain the votes of constituents mangled in “VI Shootouts”. These shootouts were the result of the retaliatory use of the Velocity Inducer. Neither driver could be compelled to slow down to allow the merger of the other, resulting in many more Thelma and Louise situations than Hollywood intended to inspire.
Politicians and social media have limited automakers’ ability to go on the record, and none of them have been brought before the many Senate hearings on the subject. They originally kept blathering about “turn signals” as related to the velocity inducer equipment. No self-respecting blog, TikTok, or podcast will speak to Honda’s PR team following that.
Ultimately, the United States Congress bilaterally decided last Thursday to pass sweeping regulation regarding the velocity inducer. The device was banned in every state. Texas rejected the law as unconstitutional shortly thereafter. We asked Governor Tim Tomlinson yesterday for a comment, and we are befuddled to announce that all he sent back was a tea-stained piece of paper with a bullet hole that read “Come and take it”.
